Dear RA, Need some cash flow for my football team

"
i am a Manchester City fan
it is a football club located in England
In order to more competitive the team probably needs about
£200Million pounds. If you could help that would be great.
thanks,
Ned Stanley Jr, II
"

Well Ned. Letters like this fascinate me in their brevity and directness. I forwarded this to my friend the doctor in U.A.E.
He seemed pretty excited in his initial read - so we'll see how that goes. Till then, best of luck this season...

p.s. I really do enjoy City's colors.

Too late for the latter day saints, sorry

I've been away for too long. We had REAL server problems, and in the modern world, such mistakes can be terminal. So, when we discovered that Berry D'Inaboks had sadly passed away soon after writing to me, I asked Sery to beef up our back end so that we reply to each letter within 24 hours. We are just sorry it took us over eight months to deal with this. Here's an extract -

"Dear Rich Arab, Please hurry, my school grades are bad. If they don't improve I will fail my school year. I can not seem to function and do my homework as my myspace is too busy and I have too many virtual friends. They literally virtually deprive me of real sleep and my Second Life avatar has formed relations with another avatar who is cheating on my myspace persona. I feel jealous and don't know if I can cope. Can you send me money to employ a Bangladeshi to blog for me?"

Sadly, Sery messed up on the servers and as a result, one of his brethren missed out on a great job. Berry died back in March and I hereby express my sincere congradolences.

Dear Rich Arab: I Suffer from Genital Trauma

Dear Rich Arab,
I need your help. I play for the Spokane Indians, a minor league baseball team in Washington state. For the past three months I have been on the disabled list, listed as 'Genital Trauma.'. Allow me to set the scene:

Spring training, St. Patrick's Day. Our Indians vs. the Boise Cherokees. Me behind the plate. Someone fouls off a pitch right into my protective cup, which breaks in half and ruptures my testicles. The pain was so intense, I passed out on the field. I have since missed four months of the regular season. And the doctors now think I may be suffering from another illness something they call agrophobia. But I doubt that. Is there anything you can do?

Praise Be to Allah! My legs are crossed! I have contacted Dr. Adel Buraik, an Egyptian who many call a miracle worker. He will visit you immediately. He has helped some cricket players... Praise be to you child!

Dear Rich Arab: Radio Emission

My name is Herr Waives and I’ve been into CB Radio for 9 months. I often have conversations with International Truckers who pass through Germany. But they drive too fast as we have very big motorways and they get out of range very quickly. Can you help me set up a radio station which emits on the World Wide Web?

I want the main topic to be about petrol prices and those whacko environmentalists (maybe using the tag line ‘YOU put the mental in environmental’?). And I want to call it Radio Emission.

Please help make my radio station worldwide. I want to broadcast for 1000 jahre.

Well Herr Waives, I’ve asked Sery, my technical online computer assistant, to look into making it a reality. He talks a lot about things like this and he assures me that with your combined professional experience (18 months) anything can happen. We sure need some good information out there telling the REAL TRUTH about Trucking, SO CALLED global warming and Post-World Cup Germany. Peace.

I Hate Rich Arabs?

I got this email today from a new entrant to the blogosphere,

Dear Rich Arab,
I hate you. God damn gas prices are through the roof! I wrote you before but you and your cronies seem hell bent on some crusade to keep me from driving my Ford E150 Club Wagon! ... I hereby have started my own weblog looking to file a class action law suite to take down your anti-trust monopoly on oil. You have been warned.
- Phil Lerup Visit His Blog Here

Well Phil, you continue to impress me. Now allow me to impress upon you the following:

1. I too have a lawyer(s), take a look
2. Arabs much prefer Jihad as opposed to Crusade
3. My friends and I love your SUV

As a gesture of peace I have sent to you some gifts, and while not exactly the Texaco Credit Card you wanted, I do hope you find them inspirational. A gift for Him, for Her, and for the Dog. Keep on Truckin.
Peace.

Dear Rich Arab: Narcoleptic Syndrome

Dear Rich Arab,
I am a student at King Fahad University in Saudi. I am studying to be a rock scientist. But I am having some problems. I cannot stay awake in class. My teachers are begining to be angry with me. My friends make fun of me. But it is not my fault! I try hard to stay awake. I drink much tea & Powerhouse, and even eat raw sugar, but it does not help! I think I suffer from the Narcoleptic Syndrome. Can you help me become a Rock Doctor?

Well Dr. Rock, I certainly know how you feel. Even reading your email I had to take a short nap. When I was at Harvard I too thought I suffered from the Narcoleptic Syndrome. If it wasn't for my father buying a new wing to the law library I would probably still be asleep in class today! I have forwarded your name to a Eqyptian therapist in the area. Hopefully he can diagnosis the condition.
Now get some rest, Peace.

Success Story: Cinco de Mayo

Dear Rich Arab,
Mexico is special Habibi. I have only been here for 2 days and I have met some amazing people. Take a look at these senoritas! I have asked Jacaranda Gomez (i am looking at her in the picture) to be one of my wives. Its cinco de mayo, Today is night to party. This for sure.
Mucho Gracias for the trip,
Sr. Otaibi

Well Señor, this is joyous news! Have a tequila for me and be expecting a gift in the mail, I have sent you a "Rich Arabs Halal BBQ Apron," perfect for your wife-to-be. Peace.

RichArabs (heart) blogspot (heart) com Announces Partnership with Chinese Sweatshop

Supply and demand. It drives the market. People want oil, but people want sleeve-less tshirts too. And who are we to deny the market dynamics?

RichArabs has teamed up with Wee Pei Dempinuts, a Chinese manufacturer to sell Rich Arab T- Shirts. Prophets to Rich.

Courtesy of Wee Pei, the garment is available in a limited edition 'Workhouse' vest and printed front and back. The back has a list of our prominent community activists including Barry Levoyl, Phil Lerup, Pete Roleum, Alain Deuph Dephre and Abdullah X. And now you too can feel like you belong to the ever growing network of Rich Arabs. Buy a T today!

Honorary Rich Arab

Exxon is giving former CEO Lee Raymond one of the most generous retirement packages in history, nearly $400 million, including pension, stock options and other perks, such as a $1 million consulting deal, two years of home security, personal security, a car and driver, and use of a corporate jet for professional purposes.

Nice Work Lee. Real Nice Work.

Dear Rich Arab: Need Funding for the Matrix

When i seen "Matrix" i couldn't help to wonder: can it be? Can it be that the Matrix is for real and we are actually seeing a movie about ourselves from the inside of the Matrix? Is it possible to know the real situation of the things? Can people from the Matrix to make an experiment and settle whether they live for real or all the world just projected to them.

I think that the answer is "yes". To all of the questions.

How do we check whether we live for real? Well, My Cobalt Chaos Actuator Machine is the key. For the past 12 years I have modelled 32,000 system processes and coded them in my Cobalt Chaos Actuator Machine. This means that taking a process for which we know ahead its divergence rate, we can make a prediction on how far it is supposed to be from its "attractor". Running the machine will enable us even to calculate the Matrix precision capabilities (at least the capabilities allocated to our machine). The precision will be the discrepancy between the calculated (true) distance from the attractor and the observed distance from the attractor.
I am very close to completing the Cobalt Chaos Actuator Machine, but I still need to model another 4,327 processes and my mother is kicking me out of the house. So if you can help me out with rent money for the next year together we can unlock the secret of the Matrix.
Thanks,
Jeff 'Neo' Higgins

Well 'Neo' your actuator machine sounds like something out of this world. I must say I only recently saw the Matrix while on a first-class flight to Monaco and let me say that those evil agent guys are first-class Bad! I have a friend who owns a Best Western hotel in your town, he'll contact you shortly. If you need anything else please contact my online technical assistant Sery. Best of luck in your quest!

Dear Rich Arab: Market Math

Dear Rich Arab, My Name is Ali Al-Gebra.

For the past 7 months I been an investment banker for Islamic Centuries Brokerage House of Saud. I know how to bank. Proven results with equity and cash liquidity backed by long-term fiscal vision allows my firm to produce success. I want to take this time to offer you the offer of a lifetime. For as little of 500SAR investment I can offer bulk rate return on funds into thousands using cuting-edge financial principals with strategic principals firmly established in mathmatical certainties. Send money today. Get rich tomorrow.

Well Ali Al-Gebra I must say that I have been terribly dissapointed with my Saudi portfolio of recent (talk about losses~!). Your email and accompanying math equations certainly bespeak great knowledge of the market albeit way above my head! In fact, it reminds me of talking IT with my online technical assistant Sery. Anyhow, I will arrange to setup a joint account with you shortly for you to manage my Saudi market portfolio,... let's make some money!

Be Careful What You Dream For...

Dear Rich Arab, I am no longer a mercenarian.

The past two months have been living hell. I just got back to mom's house after being released from some backa-- U.S. installation in Khazachstan. Dude, I did everything I could. Please tell your friends to stop calling me. Sincerely, Dante.

Well Dante, you certainly look the worse for the wear! Revisit Dante's Dream, Click Here. Thanks for the note, it serves as a good reminder to our readers that you should be careful what you dream for, it might just come true, just ask John Walker Lindh.

New Reality Show Hits Home

I am not a fan of Reality Television. Naturally, most Reality Television has little to do with me ... and my lifestyle, though, I admit, I am curious who The Bachelorette will pick and Big Brother Africa is fascinating... who knew they had houses...!

However the reality television landscape has a new light on the horizon called Big Love. This fascinating expose, on HBO, takes place in suburban Salt Lake City and focuses on Bill, the owner of a prosperous line of home improvement stores as well as 3 wives!

If the first episode was any indication then this Reality series will finally offer an earnest and reflective look at one man's struggle of Sex, Wives and Religion... Finally a show I can call my own! I already have my TiVo set to record the season.

Note: for those with Orbit Sat Receivers with the AlJawal card can catch the show at 11pm Thursdays, after Ellen Degeneres and before MusicMuch Canada

Success Story: Marcus' New Mattress

Dear Rich Arab,
Thanks to you pride in the bedroom has been restored. Abdullah X delivered it yesterday together with a real thoughful package from AfroCosmo, .. included a throw rug, rose-petal potpourri, and whole lot of cocoa butter. Nice touch AX. And sweet dreams back atchya' RA!
Sincerely,
Captain; Love Boat.

Is there anything sweeter than this; Dreams becoming reality? I dare say no! (You can revisit Marcus' Dream Here) Big thanks to AX for his support,.. well done Habibi.

New Blogger: Canadaforthefree

A time for Freedom

My recent readings and discussions with fellow geologists and economists are leading me down a new path. Now is the time for 'out of the rig' thinking. We have the perfect opportunity to create wealth. Not just for the Combined peoples of North America, but for others. Oil trickles. And Oil Wealth flows.

It is pretty simple economics. The higher the price of oil. The more the demand grows.

High demand = greater efficiencies = One Slick Economy.

Well put Alain, I couldn't say it any better myself...Goodness knows I've been pushing for $100 a Barrel for some time.. This is one blogger to watch out for! You can visit his blog here.

Dear Rich Arab: Hire Me as a Mercenarian.

Dear Rich Arab,


My name is Dante, like the inferno. I live in Beavercreek, Ohio, And I am a mercenarian for hire. real. I will f--k motherf--kers up. real. I know you got some whack s--t going down over there. like real unjustices. And I can combat that. real. I have worked 4 months in cutting down trees in the backyard. and i have designed a new combat technique called tunejitsu. real. its like Bruce Lee meets Sepultura, its that wicked.

Dante this is quite unusual, but who am I to judge one's dream! I will do my best to put you in touch with Ismail Haniyeh, he can get you mideast appointments while Paul Wolfowitz can help you elsewhere. Stay tuned and Stay in shape!

Success Story: I am Dutch, Not Danish!

Dear Rich Arab, Its me. Pim. I want to thank you for the interesting eploration opportunity to explore the Syrian Arab Republic and get out of Schipol(see Pim's Dear Rich Arab here)! I was really enjoying the goat milk and goat cheese as I myself pride myself on good cheese liking. Unfortunately things got a little ugle when I wore my Danke Danish Cheese tshirt down to the bazaar but that is behind me now. Here is a photo of me and Les in the plane on the way back to Schipol.

Thanks for the update Pim. Good to see you found the beauty of goat cheese. 'Cause like I've always said, "A feta beats a gouda 4 days of the week."

Dear Rich Arab: Marcus' Mattress

Dear Rich Arab,
My name is Marcus. I used to live in New Orleans, that is until that b--ch Katrina came along. Damn Hurricane claimed more of my property than my first wife, that be includin' my my Sealy-Posterior-Perfect bed and that be just wrong (see photo, I held on long as I could)! I've been talkin, writin, & speakin to all sorts of charities for months now and aint no one actin... they all be slow as molasses in 'helping' us people... Ain't no man deserve to have his 'love boat' ripped away like that...

Well Marcus, from the photo the mattress certainly looks more boat than bed, and the fact that help has been so slow, well, allow me to be Captin Actin. I have made arrangements for a new bed and Adbullah X will coordinate stateside. Sweet Dreams!

Sven Stung by Fake Sheik

England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson has told an undercover reporter in Dubai, who was posing as a 'fake sheik,' he would quit if his side won the World Cup in Germany this year, even though he has two years left on his contract, according to a British Sunday tabloid... Full article click here

I must say that my Blackberry was a buzz the past few days with inquiries about whether I was the fake sheik. Well let me clear the records and say that there is nothing fake about this sheik! Though my own curiousity lead me to inquire with those in the know at the Dubai Yacht Club and i was able to aquire this photo of the 'fake sheik' in question. Apparently his name is Tim Whitehead (his alias is Ala-Abu Moose) and he is apparently a diehard Southend United fan from Essex.

Well, with the cat out of the bag let's hope that I my Blackberry will quiet down so as I can get back to making my financial transactions!

Dear Rich Arab: TLC Sistas

I received this dream from Chicago's lower east side. Apparently these ladies have are having difficulties in meeting Mr. Right. Now, I don't usually play the role of Hitch, but in my post-Ramadan bliss, and with just the right man for the job, I felt obliged to introduce these fine ladies to my dear friend Abdullah X. He should be in contact with you ladies soon, and best wishes sistas!

Dear Rich Arab,
We are three F-I-N-E sistas looking for love in all the wrong places. We are tired of chasing down 2bit hustlers thinking they the next 50 Cent when they only thing they gots resemblin that fool is the change in their mama-washed, imitation-jean, pocket. We need ourselves some big, black, Arab of man who makes money like the Colonel makes chicken so as to treat me and my sisters with R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Dear Rich Arab: The Airport Bartender

My name is Pim. I work in Schipol Airport at Bar in Schipol Airport. I want to fly outside my country. But my wage I can not go. Only serve drink to customer who arrive and depart. Working here at airport bar is like Christmas in submarine with everyone have connecting flight but me!

Before Eid begins I thought I would create one more reality for our lovely dreamers! So with pleasure I am pleased to pronounce Pim that you will not be serving drinks in Schipol this holiday season! Instead you and a friend are being issued tickets (coach) and accomodation (modest) to spend Xmas in Al-Jumhuriya al-`Arabiya as-Suriya! Al-courtesy of Rich Arabs!
So grab a friend, pack your bags, and be sure to write!
Veel plezier!

Dear Rich Arab: Sombrero Boy (sans Sombrero)

Frustrated by my last response or perhaps simply taken solace in writing an Arab this Ramadan season, our young friend from Tallahassee has written the Rich Arab once more and this time he shares this novel idea,

If youre so rich why don't you just buy Isreal
- still disgruntelated

Well my friend, I applaud your entrepeneurial spirit! However I regret to inform you that there are only 2 things the Rich Arab cannot buy, and Isreal is one of them. Let's just say that the commission rates of Isreali 'real estate' agents are murderously steep.
Peace.

California Road Rage

This photo came from an obviously frustrated man from California. He writes,

"If your so rich why don't you lower 'dem god damn pricesRich Arab.... god damn costing me an arm and a leg to drive my new Ford E150 Club Wagon,... these god damn prices are simply unAmerican...god damn it!" - Phil Lerup, Bakersfield U.S of A.

Well Phil, your letter and unnecessary language catches me on an afternoon of fasting... for Ramadan... where I, too, can be a bit cranky. With that, allow me to illuminate something for you; I am not American. But rather a Rich, Rich Arab. Peace.

Conversations with a Rich Arab

Barbara Walters recently sat down to interview our dear friend King Abdullah. Now not suprisingly the King and I share a variety of interests not to mention offshore accounts. And Wow! is he one Rich Arab.

Perhaps what is suprising is that Barb and I too share a rich history. Some summers ago we would meet in the club house at the polo grounds in upstate New York. She would bring the honey and I, the baklawa, and together we would watch the horse and riders. Well done Barb!

Note: for those with Orbit Sat Receivers the interview will be 11:30 Riyadh-time this Thursday on 20/20, after Scarborough Country and before Dr. Phil.

I received this image in my email today. I am not sure where this image was taken as the person who sent wrote in a languageforeign to myself, but WOW doesn't it look expensive!

Success Story: Rich Arabs Rule!

In Arabia we have a saying, a picture is worth a 1,001 words. Need I say more? Yes, your welcome.
Click here to see the original request "Dear Rich Arab: '74 Chevy Impala"

Dear Rich Arab: Sombrero Boy

This dream came from a young boy in Tallahassee. He writes,

Can you please get rid of President Bush. I will pay you a dollar.
Sincerely, disgruntelated youth.

Well this certainly comes as shock, I happen to quite fancy G.W., he has done me a world of good. But regardless of either of our feelings President Bush cannot run for a third term, so be patient ‘disgruntelated youth’ and this Bush era will soon come to an end.

Dear Rich Arab: Record Label

This request came attached with an .mp3. And while hip hop is not my cup of tea I can say that myself and other Rich Arabs certainly appreciate the bling-bling if you know what I mean. A word of note to Wong, I have forwarded this to Adbullah X who may be able to better understand your dream. Keep it real!

Yo, Rich Arab, Shizzouts to ya. My name is Wong (a.k.a Da Hong Kong Bomb) and I am mackin' fo` some money ta start my own label. I hizzle mad skillz on the mic and I spin records real crunked like. Brotha, d-ya thizzay you can float me some cash ta get tis thang going and go from a zero to a hero? Hong Kong Bomb is about to explode if you getz what i mean! Props Rich Arab.

Thanks Rich Arab, this schnapps is for you!

This email arrived just last week from Sheila and Herman in Ohio. It is such a joy to receive these thank you emails! Now don't drink too much on that trip you two!

I thought your blog was a total joke, but last week my neighbor Betty (and best friend) came busting through the back gate hollering. She said that the UPS man was unloading a bunch of packages from the Middle East! Low and behold, when we openned'em up we found the complete his and hers Louis Vutton luggage set, and to top it off, it even had my our initials monogrammed on it (H.M. for him and S.M. for me)! Our summer trip to Germany is gonna be extra special and all the while we will be thinking of you Rich Arab! Thanks a million!

Send Me A Photo of the Gas Prices in Your home town!

Atlanta Georgia, October 7th

Dear Rich Arab: Shwarma & Kupsa

I recieved this interemersting request from Shabbana last week. I've passed it to the her nearest Rich Arab (in Minnesota), and it looks like the good people of Alberquerqe, insh'Allah, will soon be eating plenty of shwarma and kupsa thanks to Shabbana, her dreams, and a Rich Arab.

Hi, my name is 'Shabbana Maamoul, I am an MBA graduate from New Mexico State. I want to set up an Arabic Cookery school starting here in New Mexico and spreading across every single state in the USofA. Including Alaska. This will help heal this futile rift between our cultures. Rich Arab, can you help?

Dear Rich Arab: Gardens

This wonderful dreamer sent this request in. I am going to see what I can arrange. I happen to have many friends who have gardens attended to.

I love gardening, and I want to build a beautiful garden, something that will take over the world. Would you be intersted in lending your considerable financial support? I've seen books with those fancy Arab hotels and they have gardens and they like really inspire me. My parents have a garden but all they grow are vegatables and stuff like that. I also have plants in my bedroom and I water and take care and talk to them everyday and they are doing really well.

Dear Rich Arab: '74 Chevy Impala

This gentleman’s request caught me a little off guard. Why, are there not thousands of Chevy Impalas ravaging the streets of America? But then it struck me, no, it is here, right in the Middle East, that there are so many cars from the 70’s! I am happy to say that I arranged for a beige 1974 Impala to be delivered, it ships tomorrow!

Dude,
Need a ’74 Impala.
Thanks